Food Rituals & ED Rules

Disordered eating for many isn't just about calories and portions, especially for me. I've explained how I gained a sense of control through my eating and diet, but there are also many things I still struggle with besides the actual food itself. These are called food "rules". I often create rules for myself as well do many other disorder sufferers, for no apparent reason other than another way to feel control over my life. This includes what times I'm "allowed" to eat, how many calories I can have at a time, eating on certain plates or with certain silverware, even in what chair or location I'm eating in. I know this seems extremely silly, but even a slight change in routine or in any of my rules brings extreme anxiety. I often plan out my entire day ahead of what food I'm going to have, a change in plans can ruin my day completely. I like to know in advance exactly how much I'm going to be eating, each calorie in my meal etc. I work everyday at slowly breaking these rules to insure myself nothing bad will happen if I don't stick to them to a T. Along with these rules come rituals or habits you could call them that go along with the disordered eating. I often cut my food into extremely tiny pieces, if I have large pieces of food this is extremely challenging for me. The smaller the amount of food I can put into my mouth at a time the better, it's less overwhelming for me. I've had people comment on the way I eat food before and it's very disheartening and often makes me want to stop altogether. If you know someone with an eating disorder and notice them eating strangely, I encourage you to not comment on it or say anything during the meal, and only making loving suggestions or comments until after a meal is finished to help insure their safety and peace during their meal times. Finger food is also extremely challenging, it takes away my control and I often feel the need to pick it apart before i eat it, or cut it up when it's not meant to be. I often default to these habits and rituals when I'm stressed without even realizing it, and it takes lot of conscious effort to stop them in the moment. Eating quickly is also very stressful, I like to take my time eating my meals, and by taking my time I mean take longer than an hour if I can. I know how outrageous that is but it's something I've really been challenging lately and forcing myself to eat normally. You may wonder why it's NECESSARY to break these rules, because "at least they're eating right." Well yes, but the ultimate goal of recovery isn't just to force yourself to eat. While that is a major part of it, the most important part of recovery is healing the mind and reversing all of the disordered thinking and habits. Being fully recovered is not possible with all of the twisted rituals still taking place. Recovery is a very laborious and intricate process, it's a complete rewiring of the brain and teaching it how to work in a different way. I often tell myself that my disorder didn't happen over night, and neither will my recovery and I'm learning to be okay with that.

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