Let's Get Personal: How It All Started Pt.1

Even though I briefly went over some of the things that had happened during the worst of my disorder, it doesn't even come close to what it's really been like, how I developed it etc. So here's where the story really begins. During my junior year at my new school everything was going great, everyone was really nice, I had already developed really great friendships, but I still felt like something was missing. I decided to go on a diet *cue the eye rolls*- I know it was stupid. I wasn't overweight, I wasn't unhealthy I was just your typical high school girl who wanted the perfect body. It makes me want to gag even thinking about it. It was really successful, I lost weight I actually felt better than I had in a long time. I was still healthy and going to the gym just to be more fit. I got really into eating healthy and this is where my passion for cooking and baking began. For a while it was great, until I got over the initial hype over my weight loss. I wanted to feel good again, it was addictive. All the compliments about how "good" and "pretty" I looked felt so gratifying, like how could I be doing something wrong if I got such repetitive positive feedback from everyone. I soon developed whats called Orthorexia which is an eating disorder revolved around eating healthy or what I deemed was "healthy". I would have so much anxiety if I felt like I wasn't eating healthy enough. Which is ironically such an UNHEALTHY state of mind. I strayed away from so many food groups, even though they were things my body desperately needed like carbs and fats. It turned from eating extremely "healthy" amounts to almost nothing because I had such an irrational fear around food. Yeah, I was losing weight. The sad thing was I was still getting compliments, people still were telling me how good I looked. I felt like if I were to eat something unhealthy, or a normal amount that people wouldn't like me anymore. Somehow my brain convinced me that if I were to have a healthy weight that I would never be beautiful. I soon lost my appetite, my stomach shrank and the sight of food made me want to cry. At first I felt this sick sense of self empowerment, I had so much control over food, over my weight, over everything. I didn't feel proud, but I finally felt like I had found something I could do right, and boy was I good at it. This fantasyland period shortly ended when I got really sick.

One day at school during my senior year while standing in chapel I fainted, it was one of the most mortifying experiences in my life. My body was shaking so violently and I lost vision for a minute, but it felt like hours. I left school early that day and ever since that point, my illness only got worse. It scared me, but not enough to get me out of the disorder. For the next month after that I got so depressed over what happened to me that I just let it take over, I lost a lot more weight in a such a short amount of time. One Saturday afternoon I was getting ready in my bathroom, I started to feel dizzy and that's the last thing I remember. I woke up on my bed in my dad's arms and he just looked at me and started crying. That's one of the only times I've seen him cry, and I was devastated I was the reason. He held an ensure (which is a meal replacement/supplement type drink) up to my mouth and begged for me to drink it. I refused, and looking back on this it breaks my heart that I let a disorder which I thought helped me control my life, take complete control over me. My parents rushed me to the ER at the UCLA hospital and it took hours for me to finally get in and get hooked up to an IV. I remember laying on three chairs in the waiting room just glazed over not even being able to think clearly because of how malnourished I was. It was all really a blur, but once I was into the ER laying down in the bed I stared up at the bright artificial lighting and remember the nurse telling me to stay with her. I was fading in and out of consciousness and my blood sugar levels were dropping so low they were close to losing me. My heart was beating erratically and my whole body felt so poisoned. Thinking back on it I didn't really even care, I had no hope for getting better. Getting better meant being "fat", and I was convinced that was the worst thing in the world that could happen to me. After being stabilized and spending hours resting the doctors were soon discussing me to be immediately sent into an intensive treatment program. A residential center for me to live at with other girls with eating disorders which would consist of therapy, and re feeding, and groups to discuss our issues. I was 17 at the time so of course I didn't have an option, my parents decided it was best for me, and at the time it was. I complied but asked if I could just have one more day at school to say goodbye to everyone, they agreed and that was that. I confessed my illness to my classmates and surprisingly everyone was extremely supportive, I started to gain more confidence that I could do this, that I could really get better. After hugging everyone goodbye the next day I headed off for treatment, and boy do I have a lot to say about that... But that's for next time.

#anorexiarecovery #edrecovery #recovery #anorexia