Saying Goodbye to ED

Now in my previous posts I've talked about how glad I am to say farewell to my disorder, to my eating disorder body, and everything else that has gone along with it. While this is all true, it's also only half of my brain's thoughts. Those who suffer from an eating disorder have two voices- and many times its hard to distinguish which one is you and which is the disorder. Think of it like multiple personality disorder, it seriously feels like two separate people are living in my body and many times I don't know which one is talking. Everyday I have urges to restrict, skimp on portions and cling to my disorder for comfort and stability. Even though 95% of the time I ignore my disorder and eat my meal plan anyways, it leaves me feeling extremely guilty and undeserving. In all honesty though I'm often scared to give up my disorder, because even though it brought me misery, it brought my a lot of false security, comfort, and control. Sadly I've felt as though my identity has been tied to my disorder. I've spent so much time in my disorder and everything in my life sadly revolved around it. I don't remember vividly what life before it was like, and who I was. Saying goodbye to my anorexia feels like saying goodbye to everything that I am, and I'm scared I'll have no identity once my disorder is no longer with me. Although this isn't true and I have to remind myself of that. Recovery isn't all sunshine and rainbows, I do experience many good positive moments- some make me feel on top of the world and that I can do anything. Although for the majority of the time it's constant feelings of anxiety, depression, and wanting to run back into my disorder. Recovery is the hardest thing I've ever done, far harder than my disorder ever was. In recovery you lose your control- you throw your hands up and let doctors, nutritionists and treatment teams do the work for you telling you what to eat and when etc. It's excruciatingly painful having to gain weight and face your fears when it's the exact opposite of what you want to do. I often explain to people my disorder is like the little devil on my shoulder, constantly whispering and telling me bad thoughts about myself and telling me what I should be doing. Nothing my disorder says is ever positive, is ever beneficial, or is ever going to make me happy. Everything is an illusion and that's why I choose to fight against it. So yes, even though I'm often tempted to go crawling back to my old destructive habits- I don't, and I'm happier because of it. I'm terrified of saying goodbye, but I acknowledge I'm going to be so damn happy I did.

#anorexiarecovery #edrecovery #anorexia #recovery