Thoughts of a Disordered Eater

I hit a point where I could hardly fill a size double zero anymore, I often purchased clothing articles from the children's department. Emaciation was an understatement and unfortunately still is, hopefully not for too much longer. I found comfort in my fragility and child like body, it gave me reassurance of youth, despite the fact my bones are of an elderly woman's. The fear of aging was crippling; with such little security in myself it was easy to hide in my illness and pretend it wasn't happening. Part of me always knew something wasn't right, normal people don't compulsively obsess over every bit of food that went into their mouths; meticulously counting, focusing on every number whether it was on the scale, on a tag inside jeans, or in the amount of food deposited into their bodies. I would lie awake at night for hours counting numbers and worrying about the following days to come, and how I could strategize and make sure I didn't gain any weight. Anxiety plagued my life and still does but to a lesser degree, the obsession with food brought me nothing but misery but somehow the illness convinces its victims that continuing this cycle will fix the broken and the hurt. In the depths of my disorder I lost many relationships and destroyed pieces of others because I just couldn't face what it had done to me, and was desperate for it to not have the same affect on others. I sought control, I hit a point in my illness where I did not want to lose anymore weight. I was sick, I had no energy. I couldn't sleep, hardly left the house, was constantly freezing even if it was 95 degrees outside. Although I continued to lose unconsciously because I desperately needed the disordered eating to cope with the other problems I had going on in my life- or so I thought. Although currently in recovery and battling my demons multiple times a day, I've found a whole new degree of happiness, despite having such a long ways to go. I'm learning daily to embrace adulthood, a lack of control, and find what it's like to live again. Here I will journal about my experiences and hopefully give insight to those uneducated about the realities and dangers of an eating disorder. This is my story.

#recovery #edrecovery #anorexia #anorexiarecovery